Movement

I am trying to write about where things stand with TN and having a helluva time getting it out. No one cares about the minutiae and I don’t need to air ALL of our dirty laundry. And yet it’s difficult telling the story without some of it.

For now I’ll just say that things are slowly, and I mean s l o w l y, improving. He’s followed through with something that has been a sticking point for a long time so in general our relationship is improving. Our sex life is another story, but I’m hopeful that it will follow. We essentially had two days of arguing and fighting over a week ago and still haven’t had make-up sex. So yeah, S L O W.

 

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Prelude to a Conversation

TN gets out of bed at 10 and enters kitchen. 

TN: (Loudly to drown out the news on TV that NDG is watching.) I am so sick of this election. (For approximately the 273rd time this week.)

NDG: I know you are.

TN: I won’t say it again.

NDG: I just don’t know how to respond to that.

TN: I seem to be pissing you off all the time lately.

NDG: Yeah, kind of.

Silence.

* * * TO BE CONTINUED * * *

Obviously that was my subconscious picking a fight because it means we will eventually be forced to have an argument and then a conversation. In the bad old days, the only way I could get him to talk about hard stuff was to pick a fight. He’d stew over it for awhile and then would sit down and talk to me about the real issue. I don’t think I realized until I typed that just how far back we have slipped. Even worse, I’m now realizing how much I’ve been letting stupid annoyances fester like I used to do. For the past two years, I was able to get over them by choosing to ignore and focus on the positives. I chose to be happy. I have a knot in my stomach because this Sunday morning epiphany is that he’s not the only one who has regressed. This shit has been festering in me. I’m not proud of that.

Intellectually, I know that acknowledging there’s a problem is the first step to repairing it. Emotionally, I’m bruised and hurt and defensive and want to hide from all of it.

So yeah. Happy fucking Sunday to me.

 

 

 

Elust #83

Elust 83 Header Holden and Camille
Photo courtesy of Holden and Camille

Welcome to Elust #83

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #84 Start with the rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

London Crows and London Kisses

I am Her. She is Me.

You Say You Want to Cook for Me

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Unusual Liaison

Community. Respect. Friendship. Fucking.

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Dirty Little Secrets

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Poetry

You Know
O

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

My Bed
Secular Submission
My therapy
from “hard limit” to “want”
We Measure the Nostalgia
The Cure and The Cause

Events

Smut in the 6ix – Porn Conference & Gala

Erotic Fiction

Typing Errors
La Belle Dame
Sex and chocolate
The Imprisoned of HIM-HER-THEM
The Gift
audience
Becca’s Story
Rope and Fixtures
As salty as his cum…
Dominating the Doctor

Erotic Non-Fiction

Teen Sex in Woolly Tights with 60s Beat Music
Dear Sadist: Your Cruelty Is Your Love
A male dom, the straight girl and the bi girl
Owned, Leashed, & Beaten
Jan 2015 Owned & Collared by Mistress Claire
Rinse The Days Filth Away
Power On
Keeping tally

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Formative Kink Epic Fail: “Buck Rogers”

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

If it was easy anyone could do it
What’s a service submissive?
Prescient Words

Writing About Writing

What if aspirational meant something else?

 

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Elust #82

Welcome to Elust #82

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #83 Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Take Me

How Do I Love Thee:On Comparing Relationships

Asking all the questions…

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Erotic Fiction: Fishnet Queen

I Manage My Expectations

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

Wanna Have Sex With Me? – Here’s how
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Maybe I’m not a pervert after all
Bad Excuses
Engaging with Sexuality: A Personal Perspecti
I wish there were more porn
Cock Size: Does it matter?
Blue is not a “boy color.”

Erotic Non-Fiction

Watching My Wife With Another Man Story
Afternoon Cunnilingus & Birthday Sofa Sex
Why You Should Shave Your Partner
Oct 2014 Session – Mistress Claire
Two Days Later
Roping a cougarling
Divining Rods
Dorabella’s pink-velvet spanner

Erotic Fiction

Puppy Love
Quick & Dirty
She Says My Voice Changes for Her
THE BLINDFOLD – fear of the unknown
U is for undress…
Stay Baby…Stay.
kink of the week–glasses

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Slutfest Reflection
Love and Fairness
Winnowing
V is for……..
My heart turns blacker: the new rules

 

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Blast from the Fetish Video Past
The whole person approach to Submission
Down on my knees
Dominant Doppelgangers, Dominant Opposites
Four eyes
BDSM and Depression: Therapy or Self-Harm?

Poetry

Eden, Revisited: A Lusty Limerick

Writing About Writing

Stepping Stones
Centering Disabled Characters in My Erotica

 

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*Tap, tap, tap* Is This Thing On?

Life, writer’s block, spring break. I’ve got a million reasons excuses for not posting here. It’s not for lack of trying. I have written hundreds (thousands?) of words since my last post two months ago, but I never clicked publish. I’m determined today to post some of these snippets (exactly as I wrote them) and clear out the cobwebs in my drafts folder. I hope you’ll forgive the dated words and the randomness of this post. My hope is that this will free up my head to start writing again.

*****

Written in early March…
Is February a libido killer? Mine was way down last month and I’m not sure why. Even more strange, I didn’t really care all that much. I’m desperate not to let apathy strike our bedroom again so I did my best to push through it, but damn. I’m hoping warmer weather and more daylight helps fan the internal flames a bit.

Today…
Thankfully, this turned out to be a short-term effect, mostly likely because of an incredibly manic February. March was better and April has started off with a good bang or three (pun intended). My libido is different than a year ago, but it’s not worse. I’m not so urgently horny all the time, but the always flame is there. It doesn’t take much more than a sexy text or DM or a surreptitious boob grab from TN to get the fire raging.

*****

Written in early March…
I’m still trying to figure out how NDG fits into my real life. Truth is, not much at all. For all the vastness of the internet, I somehow managed to meet two people on Twitter who live near me. And those are just the ones I know about. I’m really happy to know them and I totally trust that they will guard my secret life well, but it does make me a little apprehensive about what I say online these days. Not everyone might be so respectful of my privacy.

The consequence of this worry is that it’s making me withdraw into a smaller circle of people and I spend more time in DMs than I do on my Twitter timeline because it feels safer. I totally know it’s an illusion, but it helps with the rationalization.

Having said that, I’ve also opened up to people. Stupid or not, connections have been made. Friendships have formed. Personal details and photos have been shared. Mentally, I’m in a weird place about all this. I’m happy to have these connections, truly fucking happy about them, but the Twitter-Muggle lines are getting blurrier and I can’t figure out how to balance that.

Written in late March...

Lost. Adrift. Disoriented.

I spent most of February with my head down, working hard on big plans and minute details for a big event I was in charge of. There were moments of fun, connections with TN, playfulness with Twitter friends, but for the most part, I was a woman on a mission. The event was over two weeks ago and by all accounts it was a rousing success. I wish I could say I’ve been floating on cloud nine since then. After a couple of days of high from the success, I’ve been listlessly drifting, feeling disconnected and disoriented. I realize that some of this is the let down from several month project, but there is something more to it than just that.

Feeling disconnected makes me turn inward. I’ve spent far too much time in my head thinking about my relationships, muggle and internet alike, about what I offer them and what I am getting from them. I’m thinking about my kinks and my fantasies, about balancing NDG with my real life, about TN, about RC, about the people I care about most.

I’ve tried (and tried and tried) to write about this. Not to necessarily to post, but to help me sort out my head and my heart and to start feeling like I was an active participant in my life again. I have so many half and quarter written posts from the past two weeks it’s embarrassing, even for a serial drafter like me.

Today…
The NDG-Muggle lines are not getting any clearer, but I’m more at peace with it. I’m not sure why. I’ve happily met one of my Twitter ‘neighbors’ and his wife and I’m really hoping to meet the other soon. They’re good people and I truly believe my life (kinky and muggle) will be richer with them in it.

As NDG, it’s nice knowing that in the anonymity of the internet I have found someone who who texts throughout the day to check in, say hi, listen, vent and so much more. It’s awesome to have friends who I can be totally gossipy and/or bitchy with, who hear through the DM grapevine that I could use a kind word and send one my way, who know about my muggle life, who ‘know’ TN and the kids and the joys and worries they bring, who share their own muggle lives with me.

Ultimately, what I’ve figured out is that my life is richer by having these people in it. I’m trying not to sweat the details. Even if I throw in the towel on blogging and Twitter, I know that a few of these people will remain in my muggle life even if we never meet in person and that makes me immensely happy.

*****

I had no idea how much lighter I would feel just by writing the follow up on these things. It’s not like I’ve solved the issues or uncovered some easy resolution. I guess this is the reminder I need that writing really is cathartic for me, even if it takes me forever to get it done. It’s also a good reminder that I write for myself. I need to stop thinking about my (small) audience and write what I want or need to.

*****

P.S. Thank you, RC, for the reminder that I have an outlet and I need to use it.

 

 

 

 

 

Elust #80

Elust 80 Penny's Dirty Thoughts
Photo courtesy of Penny’s Dirty Thoughts

Welcome to Elust #80

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #81 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Something Meaningful
The debate goes on
Trim

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

No Take Backsies: Sexual “Politeness”
THE Process

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

He’s not a Tumblr Dom
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Non-Fiction

She Strips The Boundaries Away The Black Bra
He enjoyed Playing with My Shoes
One… two… ménage à trois!
Doing Mt. Shasta
What’s Behind that First Strike…
Memories
How To Top Off Valentine Weekend Lovemaking
Watching Cunnilingus
Scened All Night
Spoiled in the Sun
The Tennent
01/14 Session With Mistress Claire & Others
THREESOME HEAVEN – extreme sensations
The neighbours don’t learn my name
home

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

I Don’t Date on the First Sex
Meat market

Erotic Fiction

Lines
Who’s the Boss? (She is)
A Little Distraction
Let Me Share
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…
a bit of filth
Original Sin
Watching

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

My Day of Punishments Part 1
Filthy girl
Kink Without Sex: What Happens After Orgasms
Dominant roots
Using Our D/s to Get Through Stress

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

First Times
The number of the beast…
Sometimes Love is Not a Pie
Bareback
Looking deep through reflection
Pussy Pics
So I Was Thinking

Events

A Night with Zombies – Cinema l’Amour
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Compartments and Closets and Circles, Oh My!

Ever since I read Thumper’s post about compartments and closets, I’ve been thinking about my own version of it. I’ve come to some surprising realizations.

For years, I described my life as a sort of Venn Diagram. I had a circle for family, a circle for close friends, a circle for co-workers, a circle for casual friends. I say sort of, because technically, I preferred that it wasn’t a Venn at all. Whenever one circle would overlap with another, it felt like my worlds were colliding. I would get a little anxious. I would worry that someone from one circle would say something to someone from another circle that I didn’t want to share. It was exhausting.

These circles started to a certain extent while I was at university. I wanted to keep stories of my personal escapades from co-workers and family. They didn’t need to know how much I drank, who I was fucking or that I had two fuck buddies simultaneously. When I graduated, I moved to a very large city, in part, to be able to keep my circles separate.

At my first job I was the youngest employee so it was easy. I was living the single life in the city and I worked with people 10 years older who were married and starting families. We didn’t socialize outside of work. They loved living vicariously through the limited stories of my escapades that I shared with them. A few years later, a job change landed me at place where the people were my age. It became increasingly hard to keep the circles entirely separate. Happy hours would merge with close friends meeting us at the bar. Parties included both circles. I would stress the whole time that my one of my close friends would slip and tell a coworker about the guy I was shagging from another office. I was paranoid that my coworkers would tell my friends about the fling I had at a company meeting. It was exhausting and stressful.

It’s not that I was a completely different person with any circle. I’m not even sure if I can explain why I wanted things so compartmentalized. Privacy definitely played a role. Looking back on it, I think that insecurity and shame also played a part in it. No one, from any circle, ever saw the real me. I certainly didn’t want any of them to see the self-doubt that plagued me. I didn’t want to be judged about my sex life. No one could know about things that happened in my childhood. They certainly couldn’t know that I was battling depression. In hindsight, I think that I only revealed different pieces of myself to each circle because I felt that the sum total of my stories and experiences were just too much…everything. I didn’t want someone to know everything because I didn’t want judgment or pity or sympathy and I was certain I’d end up with at least one if anyone knew everything about me.

Having said all that, I have never been ashamed of the person I am or the choices I made but I also knew that many people would judge those choices. Even my best friends were amazed at my ability to separate sex from love in those days. I was never really promiscuous, but I was able to enjoy sex with someone simply for the sex. I didn’t need love or even a relationship to want or need it. But even the friends who said I was like a guy because I had casual sex were judging me in a way. Their admiration was really more of a judgment: good girls obviously didn’t enjoy sex with someone with no strings attached. Guys were the ones who used people sexually. (Yes, my eyeballs are rolling back into my head as I type that.)

The circles changed and expanded when I married TN and we started a family. Having kids increased the number of people I interacted with on a semi-regular basis. For a while I managed to keep these circles distinct, but as time passed and we established roots, that became harder and harder to do. Teachers, PTA, kids’ friends’ parents, political work, community activism, neighbors, new friends, the circles were endless and more and more intertwined.

The last couple of years have been fairly transformational for me. Therapy helped me finally deal with some issues that had haunted me for a long time. Once I was finished taking care of myself, I was able to focus on repairing my relationship with TN, which as you know as been evolving and improving over the last year. Lastly, I have started to live more authentically. Ninety percent of my circles now overlap and intertwine and it wasn’t until I read Thumper’s post and started thinking about it that I realized I am truly good with that. I had been focusing on the isolation that comes from not being able to share my kinky side with anyone else, but now I’m celebrating that I am who I am. I have dear friends that love me just as I am. I’ve earned the respect of people who may or may not agree with me, but respect the integrity I try hard to demonstrate every single day in every single interaction with them.

When I started writing this post a few days ago, I had pictured my life today as a Venn diagram of wiggly circles overlapping into a big mess that freaked me out. After writing, thinking, rewriting, more thinking and even more writing, I realize that overlaying this mess of circles is just me in all my imperfect glory. Yes, there’s still the kinky circle not really overlapping any of my circles. Yes, I still wish that I didn’t feel so isolated in real life about my kinky side. But as I grow to accept this side of myself more and more, I’m also confident it won’t be this way forever. The friends I’m making as NDG will eventually overlap my muggle circles. Until they do, I’m so happy for their understanding and acceptance of who and what I am today.

All in all, life is pretty fucking amazing these days.

NDG  xx

Deep Breaths

The Nerd seems to have fallen into another not-very-sexual period and I’m trying to be cool about it and not freak out. I noticed a few days ago that although we’ve been having fantastic sex, I’m the one who has initiated it the past couple of weeks. Every.single.time. His participation has become rote. Spank here, stroke there. Lick here, fuck there. Granted, it’s awesome, I have many orgasms and I don’t think he’s phoning it in. He’s found something that’s working well for both of us so he has no motivation or inclination to change it up too much. I was so busy getting fucked and coming hard that I didn’t even realize it was becoming formulaic until Friday.

Unfortunately, we’ve been down this rabbit hole before. First it’s the repetitive sex. Then it’s him never initiating. Eventually he turns me down when I do initiate. That’s where we’re at now. He casually laughed off all of my not-so-subtle advances over the weekend. He also removed himself from any opportunity by bounding out of bed in the morning or staying up super late.

I can live without shagging for a bit. I’ll masturbate. I’ll flirt on Twitter. I’ll have sexy chats by DM or Kik. But I can’t, I won’t, live without intimacy. We did that for far too long. I need skin-on-skin contact. I need to be kissed deeply. I need naked cuddles at night while we watch TV or talk about our days.

I was the initial reason for our dead bedroom. Pregnancy, exhaustion, postpartum depression and antidepressants were a toxic combo that killed my libido. It led to a feedback loop where we both felt it was entirely the other’s fault. As the months turned into years, we were fantastic roommates, but nothing more. I still loved him and we got along brilliantly except for this one issue. I clawed my way out of that hole eventually and I wholly own the damage I did. We’ve worked through it. He’s accepted my apology. I was finally able to let go of my guilt once and for all about three months ago. That was the last time we were in this rut.

It only takes a short time in this cycle of repetition and lack of intimacy for me be thrown back into the throes of guilt and resentment.

“I denied him for so long, I don’t deserve to be sexually fulfilled now.”

“He knows what it feels like to be rejected. Why is he doing this to me?”

“He pushed and begged for sex for so long and now that I throw myself at him, he refuses me? Fuck that.”

In some twisted version of use-it-or-lose-it, I get really anxious that I’m going to lose my libido again. I don’t want to turn into that person who always says no. I don’t want to be his roommate. I want him to be as concerned with nurturing our sexual relationship as I am. I want him to want me as desperately as I want him. Maybe it’s very early menopause. Maybe it’s making up for lost time. Either way, I’m damned near insatiable. I’d be doing it twice a day if I had my way. He’d do it twice a week. We average two or three times a week, which works for both of us because we still have the other intimacy. The problem is when he’s in this rut, I don’t get laid and I don’t get cuddled. That freaks me out. I get anxious about it. I get stabby. I feel vulnerable.

I guess the plus side is I know what’s happening this time. I know that he doesn’t blame me and this is a phase. I know we’ll get through it with time and talking about it. In the mean time, I’ll be shopping for a new vibrator to add a little variety to my solo sessions. Any suggestions?

Let’s start with an introduction

I’m a 40-something woman living in the suburbs. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband, The Nerd, for almost 16 years. We have three kids, two dogs, a cat and a hamster. I quit my professional career when my oldest was born. Being a stay-at-home mom (even though I’m rarely at home) fills me with immense love and mind-numbing boredom, sometimes simultaneously. I wouldn’t trade it for the world and yet there are still times I wish I were going to corporate meetings instead of PTA meetings.

For longer than I care to admit to myself, The Nerd and I had an almost dead bedroom, mostly due to exhaustion, postpartum depression and antidepressants. We found our way out of the dark time last year—I’ll tell the story soon, promise—and jumped right into a different set of struggles. I think we’re finally past the worst of them. In the meantime, I’ve begun to acknowledge, and dare I say understand, some of the kinks I’ve suppressed for most of my life. I’m very slowly revealing them to The (vanilla) Nerd so that I don’t scare him too much. Even though I’ve always been pretty confident about telling him what works for me sexually, I’m finding it makes me feel insecure and vulnerable to share just how kinky I am. Having said all that, I’m fucking middle-aged and that makes me want to live more authentically. I don’t want to waste any more time hiding my true self. I want to push my limits. I want to explore these things with him.

I have no idea what direction this blog will go. My best guess is it will be part brain dump, part therapy, and part sexy writing. I used to write professionally and I miss it. Not the bullshit from the job, but the actual writing. Hopefully this blog will scratch both my creative itch and my kinky itch.

Welcome to my little corner of internet. Hold on to your hats; it might be a wild ride.

And We’re Off…

Welcome to my nerdy, dirty thoughts. I’ve been skulking around sex blogs for a long time and finally decided maybe I have something to say myself. We shall see. This may be a flash in the pan, WP might shut me down, or maybe I’ll remember how much I used to love to write.

Thanks for stopping by.