Life, writer’s block, spring break. I’ve got a million
reasons excuses for not posting here. It’s not for lack of trying. I have written hundreds (thousands?) of words since my last post two months ago, but I never clicked publish. I’m determined today to post some of these snippets (exactly as I wrote them) and clear out the cobwebs in my drafts folder. I hope you’ll forgive the dated words and the randomness of this post. My hope is that this will free up my head to start writing again.
Written in early March…
Is February a libido killer? Mine was way down last month and I’m not sure why. Even more strange, I didn’t really care all that much. I’m desperate not to let apathy strike our bedroom again so I did my best to push through it, but damn. I’m hoping warmer weather and more daylight helps fan the internal flames a bit.
Thankfully, this turned out to be a short-term effect, mostly likely because of an incredibly manic February. March was better and April has started off with a good bang or three (pun intended). My libido is different than a year ago, but it’s not worse. I’m not so urgently horny all the time, but the always flame is there. It doesn’t take much more than a sexy text or DM or a surreptitious boob grab from TN to get the fire raging.
Written in early March…
I’m still trying to figure out how NDG fits into my real life. Truth is, not much at all. For all the vastness of the internet, I somehow managed to meet two people on Twitter who live near me. And those are just the ones I know about. I’m really happy to know them and I totally trust that they will guard my secret life well, but it does make me a little apprehensive about what I say online these days. Not everyone might be so respectful of my privacy.
The consequence of this worry is that it’s making me withdraw into a smaller circle of people and I spend more time in DMs than I do on my Twitter timeline because it feels safer. I totally know it’s an illusion, but it helps with the rationalization.
Having said that, I’ve also opened up to people. Stupid or not, connections have been made. Friendships have formed. Personal details and photos have been shared. Mentally, I’m in a weird place about all this. I’m happy to have these connections, truly fucking happy about them, but the Twitter-Muggle lines are getting blurrier and I can’t figure out how to balance that.
Written in late March...
Lost. Adrift. Disoriented.
I spent most of February with my head down, working hard on big plans and minute details for a big event I was in charge of. There were moments of fun, connections with TN, playfulness with Twitter friends, but for the most part, I was a woman on a mission. The event was over two weeks ago and by all accounts it was a rousing success. I wish I could say I’ve been floating on cloud nine since then. After a couple of days of high from the success, I’ve been listlessly drifting, feeling disconnected and disoriented. I realize that some of this is the let down from several month project, but there is something more to it than just that.
Feeling disconnected makes me turn inward. I’ve spent far too much time in my head thinking about my relationships, muggle and internet alike, about what I offer them and what I am getting from them. I’m thinking about my kinks and my fantasies, about balancing NDG with my real life, about TN, about RC, about the people I care about most.
I’ve tried (and tried and tried) to write about this. Not to necessarily to post, but to help me sort out my head and my heart and to start feeling like I was an active participant in my life again. I have so many half and quarter written posts from the past two weeks it’s embarrassing, even for a serial drafter like me.
The NDG-Muggle lines are not getting any clearer, but I’m more at peace with it. I’m not sure why. I’ve happily met one of my Twitter ‘neighbors’ and his wife and I’m really hoping to meet the other soon. They’re good people and I truly believe my life (kinky and muggle) will be richer with them in it.
As NDG, it’s nice knowing that in the anonymity of the internet I have found someone who who texts throughout the day to check in, say hi, listen, vent and so much more. It’s awesome to have friends who I can be totally gossipy and/or bitchy with, who hear through the DM grapevine that I could use a kind word and send one my way, who know about my muggle life, who ‘know’ TN and the kids and the joys and worries they bring, who share their own muggle lives with me.
Ultimately, what I’ve figured out is that my life is richer by having these people in it. I’m trying not to sweat the details. Even if I throw in the towel on blogging and Twitter, I know that a few of these people will remain in my muggle life even if we never meet in person and that makes me immensely happy.
I had no idea how much lighter I would feel just by writing the follow up on these things. It’s not like I’ve solved the issues or uncovered some easy resolution. I guess this is the reminder I need that writing really is cathartic for me, even if it takes me forever to get it done. It’s also a good reminder that I write for myself. I need to stop thinking about my (small) audience and write what I want or need to.
P.S. Thank you, RC, for the reminder that I have an outlet and I need to use it.