I’ve been having a bit of an internal struggle about what to write on here. Life isn’t always rope, floggers and kinky sex, at least for me, and I really don’t know if anyone cares to read about the mundane struggles of being married to someone with a different libido and a very different appetite for kink. I started this blog as my journal, but now, knowing that I actually have people reading it has made me censor myself. That is probably the wrong word, but now when I write, instead of it being entirely stream of consciousness, I’m also thinking about an audience. Granted, it’s a very small audience, but it still changes the way I talk about some things. Today, I’m going to forget about readers and just write what I’m thinking. It won’t be pretty and I really am not looking for suggestions or even support. I just need to be real and get this jumble of thoughts out of my head.
I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that the lack of sunshine colors my moods more than I would like. That includes my mood and feelings about TN. I don’t mean that I don’t love him. Not at all. But it affects how I react to him. It’s a sad month for him because he lost several family members in Januarys over the years. When he’s feeling depressed, he withdraws. He needs more time alone so he spends more time playing computer games to escape reality. I do my best to be supportive and encouraging and give him the space he needs. But by giving him space, I’m creating exactly what I don’t need right now. I need to feel safe and secure and wanted when I’m feeling depressed. He’s less observant during this time so he doesn’t pick up on my subtle shift so if I don’t say anything, he never notices.
We’re repeating the same pattern as last year. The positive side is at least I’m aware of the pattern now (I’ll explain how in my next post) and I know that it will end. It doesn’t make living through it much easier on a day-to-day basis, but it does help. I try my hardest not to focus on the times he outright rejects any sexual advances. I try to be thankful that at least he now understands the importance of skin-on-skin contact to me even if we’re just cuddling while we watch TV. But it’s hard. So fucking hard. I hate when we spend a day texting suggestively and flirting and making plans for the night and then he comes home, gets on his computer and loses track of time until it’s too late to do anything but fall into bed and be asleep when his head hits his pillow.
The hardest part about all of this is that I know he feels better when we’re intimate. It fills an emotional void that he’s not even aware of. And let’s be honest, the rush of hormones from a good romp doesn’t hurt either. Whenever I convince him to get it on, he always, always says he feels better after. He’s always surprised too. The man is literally a genius but he can’t remember this. Frustrating.
So it sounds like since I know what’s happening, I must be able to just live it through, right? I recognize the pattern, I know that his withdrawal has nothing to do with me at all. I know that this funk of his will pass. I know that as the days get longer, I’ll feel better emotionally. Rationally I know that he’s not rejecting me. Oh yes, my head has it all figured out. But my heart? My heart aches every time he rejects me. My heart is heavy while I lie naked in bed waiting for him as the minutes and then hours tick by. My heart breaks when he finally does come to bed and says, “Oh, you’re still awake?” with a hint of exasperation because he was hoping to crawl into bed and crash.
And because I know it will get asked, yes, I have talked to him about this. I’ve explained how it makes me feel when he chooses a computer game over a naked woman in bed. I’ve told him that I need some sort of intimacy for my own well being. I’ve cried and bitched and nagged and pleaded with him about my own feelings, about his feelings, about this cycle we seem set on repeating year after year. Rationally, he gets it. And he is making a better effort than a year ago. We aren’t fighting about it like we did last year. But we’re far from having it figured out.
So many positive things happened with us last year. We’re closer and more communicative than we’ve ever been. Our marriage is better than ever. And yet I’m sad that the calendar flipped over and it feels almost like we’re right back where we started. I’m using every bit of my mental willpower to quiet the voice in my head that says we’ve lost all that we gained. Rationally, I know we are better. I know this will end. I know we’ll pick up where we left off.
Now if I could just convince my heart what my brain knows to be true.