TMI Tuesday

Analyze Your Sex-Life

1. What are your sexual strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: Sex positive, open minded, willing to explore and try new things, blowjobs, ridiculously vocal, multi-orgasmic.
Weaknesses: Still struggle at times with being completely open with TN about desires and fantasies.

2. As a couple, what are your sexual strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: We both know exactly how to hit all the right buttons for each other. We never gave up on each during the almost dead bedroom.
Weaknesses: Our libidos and desire for kink is off-balanced (mine is way higher for both). We’re working on them together though so I’m optimistic.

3. How do you make intimacy a priority in a relationship?

We struggled with intimacy for a long time. First the sheer exhaustion of babies, then toddlers and young kids wore us down. After awhile, it seemed like we both forgot how important any intimate contact is, whether it involved actual sex or not. In the past 18 months, we’ve been much better at making sure we get the time we need. Things are still lopsided as my libido is now higher than his. (The irony of biology sucks.) We don’t always go up to bed at the same time (I usually go first), but without fail, we don’t go to sleep without at least some naked cuddling and a good snog. I’ve gotten better at accepting that he needs downtime in the evening and not taking it personally that he won’t go to bed with me. He has gotten better at saying he’ll be up in 30 minutes or an hour and then actually following through.

4. How has your sex life changed in the last five years?

Five years ago, our sex life was almost non-existent. Truly. I’m embarrassed to admit how rarely we actually had sex. Eighteen months ago, things changed and we now have a very good sex life. It’s fun, fulfilling, satisfying. We’re more daring, we try new things. We make time for sex now. We talk more about sex and what we want.

5. Has blogging helped your sex life? How?

It’s helped in the sense that I write on here almost daily and writing has always been my way of processing things. Obviously most of those posts don’t see the light of day, but they’re still very therapeutic for me.

 

Bonus:  Has loneliness or emotional hunger ever caused you to “fall in love”?

No, I don’t think so. But I’ve never needed to be in love to have sex. I had a FWB way before there was a name for it. We liked each other as people, but absolutely did not want a relationship together. We had fun. We got naked. We never used each other or mistreated each other. We didn’t hook up when we were in relationships. It lasted several years and I have absolutely no regrets about it at all.

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Elust #78

Malin James Elust 78 Header Image
Photo courtesy of Malin James

Welcome to Elust #78

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #79? Start with the rules, come back February 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

£10.53
Balance of Light
Advent Calendar 2015 – Day 24

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Why Sex Fiction?
On using him

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

Guest blog: ‘Quite Delightful’, James Deen and me
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Make-Up Sex
Wide Open
Believe in You
I am softly athletic
Making a Short Story Long

Erotic Fiction

First Kiss
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
A Spicey Christmas Eve Tale…..
The Annual Christmas Party
If Only He’d Said Yes…
Very Very Necessary
concrete
Holly and Ivy…
Frothy White Stuff
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
30 Minutes

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Boundaries
Stress Makes You Blind and Your Cum Orange
On Eating Ass
Confessions of an Ambivalent Masochist
Joyous Jizz

Poetry

Ode To My Favorite Sex Toy
Earth
Fuckable

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Lady Fapping: The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee
Does Size Matter?
A Feminist’s Guide to Sexting with Cavemen

Erotic Non-Fiction

Having Angelic Sex With The Virgin Mary
New Lingerie

Blogging

The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives
40. 41. One.

 

 

The One Where My Brain and Heart Fight

I’ve been having a bit of an internal struggle about what to write on here. Life isn’t always rope, floggers and kinky sex, at least for me, and I really don’t know if anyone cares to read about the mundane struggles of being married to someone with a different libido and a very different appetite for kink. I started this blog as my journal, but now, knowing that I actually have people reading it has made me censor myself. That is probably the wrong word, but now when I write, instead of it being entirely stream of consciousness, I’m also thinking about an audience. Granted, it’s a very small audience, but it still changes the way I talk about some things. Today, I’m going to forget about readers and just write what I’m thinking. It won’t be pretty and I really am not looking for suggestions or even support. I just need to be real and get this jumble of thoughts out of my head.

***

I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that the lack of sunshine colors my moods more than I would like. That includes my mood and feelings about TN. I don’t mean that I don’t love him. Not at all. But it affects how I react to him. It’s a sad month for him because he lost several family members in Januarys over the years. When he’s feeling depressed, he withdraws. He needs more time alone so he spends more time playing computer games to escape reality. I do my best to be supportive and encouraging and give him the space he needs. But by giving him space, I’m creating exactly what I don’t need right now. I need to feel safe and secure and wanted when I’m feeling depressed. He’s less observant during this time so he doesn’t pick up on my subtle shift so if I don’t say anything, he never notices.

We’re repeating the same pattern as last year. The positive side is at least I’m aware of the pattern now (I’ll explain how in my next post) and I know that it will end. It doesn’t make living through it much easier on a day-to-day basis, but it does help. I try my hardest not to focus on the times he outright rejects any sexual advances. I try to be thankful that at least he now understands the importance of skin-on-skin contact to me even if we’re just cuddling while we watch TV. But it’s hard. So fucking hard. I hate when we spend a day texting suggestively and flirting and making plans for the night and then he comes home, gets on his computer and loses track of time until it’s too late to do anything but fall into bed and be asleep when his head hits his pillow.

The hardest part about all of this is that I know he feels better when we’re intimate. It fills an emotional void that he’s not even aware of. And let’s be honest, the rush of hormones from a good romp doesn’t hurt either. Whenever I convince him to get it on, he always, always says he feels better after. He’s always surprised too. The man is literally a genius but he can’t remember this. Frustrating.

So it sounds like since I know what’s happening, I must be able to just live it through, right? I recognize the pattern, I know that his withdrawal has nothing to do with me at all. I know that this funk of his will pass. I know that as the days get longer, I’ll feel better emotionally. Rationally I know that he’s not rejecting me. Oh yes, my head has it all figured out. But my heart? My heart aches every time he rejects me. My heart is heavy while I lie naked in bed waiting for him as the minutes and then hours tick by. My heart breaks when he finally does come to bed and says, “Oh, you’re still awake?” with a hint of exasperation because he was hoping to crawl into bed and crash.

And because I know it will get asked, yes, I have talked to him about this. I’ve explained how it makes me feel when he chooses a computer game over a naked woman in bed. I’ve told him that I need some sort of intimacy for my own well being. I’ve cried and bitched and nagged and pleaded with him about my own feelings, about his feelings, about this cycle we seem set on repeating year after year. Rationally, he gets it. And he is making a better effort than a year ago. We aren’t fighting about it like we did last year. But we’re far from having it figured out.

So many positive things happened with us last year. We’re closer and more communicative than we’ve ever been. Our marriage is better than ever. And yet I’m sad that the calendar flipped over and it feels almost like we’re right back where we started. I’m using every bit of my mental willpower to quiet the voice in my head that says we’ve lost all that we gained. Rationally, I know we are better. I know this will end. I know we’ll pick up where we left off.

Now if I could just convince my heart what my brain knows to be true.

 

 

(Not Really) Resolutions

Wicked Wednesday Prompt: 
The beginning of a new year is a fresh start for many of us. Not everyone believes in New Years resolutions, but even so, it is a time to stop and think what you want to accomplish, what you want to try and what you want to stop with. Even if you don’t have any resolutions or ideas for this year, I want to say: believe in yourself! Let’s start this year off on a positive note.

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I used to make new year’s resolutions. Logically it made sense to me to want to make changes because it’s a new year, but emotionally, when I faltered, I always felt like a failure and instead of brushing myself off, I’d just give up. I stopped that nonsense years ago. I’m already hard enough on myself and full of enough guilt, I don’t need the pressure of resolutions to add to it.

So even though these are absolutely not resolutions (and yes, I realize the mental gymnastics I’m doing here), here are some things I’d like to work on in 2016–in no particular order.

  1. I am no longer going to sit by quietly when someone says or writes something racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist or any other -ist or -ic because I don’t want to cause drama. I’m opinionated on Facebook, but I don’t like to be rude and shit on other people’s posts. I’ve realized that my silence has been perceived as tacit approval by some people and I’m done with that. I will try my hardest not to be rude or argumentative. I believe that many of those comments come from people who just don’t know better so I will do my best to gently educate. But the ones who know better and are just assholes? Open season. I expect I’ll lose some friends over this and I’m good with that. I don’t want to be friends with assholes anyway.
  2. My should injury in October sidelined me for too long and when I was finally recovered, I had lost so much progress that I faltered yet again. I’m a walking, talking example of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Tomorrow the real world returns and I’m starting back up (slowly) with my #fwocrew workouts.
  3. I’m making time to be creative every single week. It’s such a huge part of who I am and I need to nurture that more often. Photography, drawing, painting, even coloring in this great present from my BFF, helps calm the chaos that is my life.
  4. I want to write more. The last time I posted my writing goals on here, I succeeded. So I’m going out on a limb and say that I will post at least two text posts a month. I’ll seek out more writing memes to participate in on top of personal writing. It won’t all see the light of computer screens beyond mine, but writing helps me process my emotions and I must get back to a more regular schedule with it.
  5. I’m going to continue to work on how I communicate with TN. I made so much progress last year and I don’t want to get complacent. I know that this is journey, not a race and I need to keep at it.
  6. Related to the previous entry, I will continue to gently push TN to communicate his own needs. He tends to put my wants/needs above his own, which is obviously very satisfying for me in the moment, but I don’t want him to grow to resent any unspoken needs or wants that he has.
  7. I hope that we will both continue to explore and push the boundaries of our sexuality. I’m not sure what that might entail this year, but I know that last January I had no idea where I would be as a person or where we would be as a couple.
  8. And then there’s the usual stuff. Yell less. Love more. Eat better. Blah blah blah. 😉
  9. I will absolutely continue to nurture the online friendships I’ve formed and I hope that I’ll meet at least one of my online friends in 2016.
  10. I’m going to visit this list monthly just to do my own check on my progress.

TN and the kids have been off of work/school for over two weeks and today is our last day of our break so I’m going to eke out as much fun and relaxation as I can.

Happy New Year to my friends and readers! Thanks for stopping by.

NDG xx

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A Whole New Year!

2016. Hard to believe another year has come and gone.

For me, 2015 goes down as probably one of the best of my life. Sitting here now, reflecting on how life is different than it was 365 days ago leaves me in awe. Even though TN and I managed to rekindle our sex life in 2014, we were still very out of sync sexually last January 1. My libido was much higher than his. I believe he was also holding back a bit as self-preservation because he didn’t trust my interest in sex would last.

Today, I am happy with the quantity and quality of our sex life. I’ve done some unexpected, but very amazing, healing in regards to previous sexual trauma. We are communicating better than we ever have, although that will always be a work in progress. After a stressful family visit over Christmas, I found myself withdrawing and feeling ashamed about my kinks one night when our planned play session didn’t happen. But rather than let it fester as I would have a year ago, the next day I wrote about it to a friend and then made the conscious decision to let it go. That night he surprised me with exactly what I needed to fill loved, respected and kinky.

2015 was definitely a year of discovery. We tried a variety of new positions. We had more anal sex. I grew to really like blow jobs, which I previously only tolerated out of obligation. (Yes, he’s thrilled with this development.) We introduced spanking at my request and I’m still surprised at what a turn on I find it. There have been a lot of new toys and most recently, several new implements for impact play. His confidence and enjoyment is growing in this area and while it’s not his kink, there’s no denying the effect it has on his cock.

I started the year reading a few sex blogs. By February, I had a new anonymous Twitter account so that I could comment on them. I tweeted for the first time in April and wrote my first post on here on May 29. I don’t post prolifically by any stretch, but just the process of writing drafts has helped me immensely. Between blogs and Twitter I have met so many great people, some of whom I’m happy to call real friends now. The line between muggle and kinky lives has vanished with a few people and I can see it disappearing with a few more during 2016. These friends, whether local or literally on the other side of the world, have been such a wonderful addition to my life and I’m grateful for every single one of them.

For much of my married life, New Year’s Eve has filled me with dread. Beyond the amateur night aspect of it, which less face it, totally sucks, something about turning over the calendar and the very obvious passage of time always left me feeling melancholic and slightly depressed. Some of that, I’m sure, was simply the sadness associated with watching my kids grow up. I think there was also the feeling that while things with TN were never horrible, I knew they could be better and I was starting to feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

But this year, instead of feeling blue and wanting needing to be alone on NYE, I found myself not needing that at all. I was happy to hang out with TN and the family. Not a single tear was shed. TN and I were in bed as we watched the clock turn to midnight and I felt happy about so many things…

  • the healing I’ve done this past year;
  • the new openness and honesty that he and I now share;
  • the new friends I’ve made, especially who texted me last night;
  • life in general.

The night ended with some of the best sex we’ve ever had. When we were finally settling down to go to sleep a couple of hours later, I couldn’t help but smile. If last night was any indication, 2016 is going to be an even more amazing year!

Wishing all of you a happy, healthy, kinky 2016!

NDG xx