I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I posted. Life has been busy and sexy and mundane and all the usual adjectives, but all in all, it’s pretty damn good.
I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m kinkier than TN. Over the past month, I’ve done a lot of soul searching, thinking and writing, mostly about my sexuality. An online friend has offered some interesting perspectives and some great advice and that has led me to a new understanding, and more importantly, a new acceptance of myself.
I have spent most of my adult life weighed down by the baggage of childhood trauma and abuse, which have contributed to a feeling of shame about being sexual and expressing my sexuality. For a long time, I had wrapped this baggage up tight, put in a box, shoved it way up on a high shelf in my brain so I didn’t have to look at it or think about it. Even though I carried that baggage everywhere and it affected every life choice I ever made, I didn’t take it off the shelf and examine until after I’d had kids. The first person I ever told was my therapist when I was battling postpartum depression. She helped me start healing and then I told TN. His love and support never wavered. Even during the years when I was barely sexual at all because of flashbacks, triggers, shame and every other excuse I could come up with as I picked through the contents of that box.
Lots of therapy and the support of TN and a few friends (real life and online) have helped me overcome a lot of it, but I suspect it will never be gone completely. Good or bad my history has made me what I am today and I have finally accepted that. There is nothing shameful about being a survivor of abuse. The fantasies and desires I have are not shameful and, more importantly, they have absolutely nothing to do with the abuse. Finding this corner of kinky, sex positivity of the Internet has done so much for my psyche. I no longer feel so alone, damaged or like a deviant.
So back to TN and sharing with him… His work holiday party was a couple of weeks ago. We farmed out the kids and spent a night high up in a corner room of a gorgeous hotel with beautiful views of the city below. I drank a ridiculous amount of expensive wine over dinner. Between the twinkling lights of the city, the sexy underwear I’d been wearing all evening and the liquid courage from the wine, I finally spilled all of my secret fantasies to TN.
You know how you have something built up so much in your head and you’re so worried about what the response is going to be when you say it? That’s what life has been like for me for the past year. All these months of being scared to tell him, of fearing judgment and rejection, of doubting myself and our relationship. What a fool I was! As he listened to me rip open the box and expose all of myself to him, he asked a few questions and then simply said he loved me, kinky, dirty fantasies and all. Then he grabbed the back of my neck, pushed me down on the bed and told me to shut up as he kissed me passionately.
I had no idea how much that worry and shame had weighed on me, but I instantly felt lighter than I ever have in my life. The sex that night was amazing, but that pales in comparison to the feeling of opening myself up completely, shining a light in the darkest corners of my mind and feeling nothing but love being returned to me.
Two weeks later and I still have that feeling of lightness, which is what has made me finally comfortable to share about the abuse publicly—at least as an anonymous blogger. In my muggle life, I do a lot of work educating people about mental illness and working to eradicate the stigma associated with it. I’m finding myself wanting to do the same with the stigma of being an abuse survivor. I may not be ready to do make that leap in my muggle world, but NDG is most definitely fucking ready to talk about it here.