TMI Tuesday–October 27, 2015

1. Sex. What are your areas of expertise?
Hmmm. I don’t know if I’m an expert at anything. I continue to explore, grow and push my boundaries. It’s more fun to keep learning and trying new things. I’ve been told I’m good with my tongue.

2. How long have you been having sex?
I lost my virginity at 19 so a very long time. ūüėõ

3. What time of day do you prefer to have sex?
a. morning
b. afternoon
c. night
ALL OF THE ABOVE. *smile*
I love when we have lazy mornings and can wake up gently and have slow, passionate sex.
I love afternoons where we sneak off to our bedroom and have a quick, hot fuck.
I love nights when we when both think we’re too tired for anything, but the naked cuddles and idle stroking while watching TV light a spark. Fingers roam, lips meet, bodies pressed together. The next thing I know, an hour has passed and we’re both sweating, out of breath and totally satiated. He wraps he up in his arms and we fall asleep.

4. Do you charge for sex? Money or some other means of payment?
No, never.

5. How long does your average sexual encounter last?
I suppose our average is about an hour these days, but it’s hard to quantify. We have quickies, we have hours of play and everything in between.

6. Do you have a safe word? What is it?
Apparently there actually are some things that are too personal for TMI Tuesday.

Bonus: Ever had sex so good you broke things or something?
Yes, my boyfriend and I broke his lofted bed having sex in the dorm when I was at university. It was elevated about 6 feet off the ground and we were going at it so vigorously the wooden post cracked.¬†Hard thrusting and an awkward angle led to breaking TN’s penis.¬†Not literally, but he had a bruise for about a week. He said it was painful, but he also felt pretty hard core that we fucked so hard that he had a bruise. I thought it was hot.

An Update of the Boring Sort

Time for another weekly update on my To Do list. This might be mundane as hell, but it actually seems to be working! Yay me! Yay anonymous, sexy readers who read, comment and like my posts. It’s encouraging and makes me feel accountable to you, myself and the interwebz.

1. Post at least four times on the blog. At least two of them must be written, not just photo memes.
75% DONE–This is actually my fifth¬†post since wrote the original To Do list. But I’m being good and not counting the update posts as part of my writing so I’ve actually written two posts and posted one Sinful Sunday.

2. Complete two drafts. Posting is optional.
50% DONE–I’m calling this 50% because I’ve taken inspiration from a couple of drafts and used it in the posts I’ve written.

3. Schedule date nights every two weeks with TN that allow for time to talk, not just watch a movie.
OOPS–We haven’t actually scheduled anything regular, but we have had two dates this month: one to see The Martian¬†and dinner and live music out with good friends. The dinner was on Friday night and we had an awesome time. I suppose neither of these actually fit the criteria of the goal, but we got dressed up and we left the kids at home. Friday night even included some snogging in the bar watching the live band so I’m calling it a date.

4. Talk with TN about Big Stuff we’re dealing with. (OK fine. Big Stuff we’re avoiding dealing with. That’s the problem.)
SUCCESS–I posted about the talk¬†here. Of all my goals for this month, this was the most important and I’m really proud of myself for doing it.

5. Organize the mud room.
PFFFT–This is so far down on the priority list that I don’t even know why I added it here.

6. Finish canning and labeling garden veggies.
Winter is coming, so I’ve now harvested 95% of the garden. Still have herbs, kale and few peppers out there. I’m going to be busy making lots of salsa and hot sauce for the next couple of weeks.

7. Fall clean up in the gardens.
85% DONE–It was gorgeous today so I spent seven hours out there. Lawn mowed, leaves raked, plants all composted, raised beds fertilized and tilled, two new raised beds built,¬†pots washed. I have maybe another four of five hours of work to do out there. It’s supposed to be nice this week and I think I can make time to get it done before the weekend.

NEW GOAL
8. Workout five times a week.
120%–For the second week in a row, I set a goal of five workouts and I actually did six. One of my Twitter pals helped me with a new lifting workout so I’ve done the three routines he suggested. (Push, Pull, Legs) Last spring I was so sore at night after spending a day working in the garden. Tonight I feel like I worked out, but it’s the good kind of sore, not the “OMG, I can’t move sore.” Woohoo, progress!

Thanks for putting up with the boring stuff. Back to the regularly scheduled smut soon. ūüôā

NDG xx

Sinful Sunday #10–Boot Weather

Fall¬†has definitely arrived. I’m not looking forward to shorter days and cold weather. On the plus side, the drop in temperature means it’s boot weather!¬†These might be my very favorite pair.¬†I love to wear them with jeans, skirts and sometimes nothing else at all.

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Touch the lips to see who else is getting sinful this Sunday.

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An Exorcism. Finally.

Life, stress and sickness started creating a wedge between TN and me around¬†my birthday late last month. I had a lingering cough from the bronchitis I had in early September would not go¬†away. TN has been under tremendous pressure with his current project at work. It’s a perfect storm of underperforming employees and demanding clients,¬†which means TN works 50-60 hour weeks at a minimum (plus two hours of commuting most days), because, well, because he’s TN. He won’t let a deadline¬†slip, which makes him an awesome engineer, but sometimes a withdrawn, distracted husband and father. And the virus that had gone through the family finally caught up with him and he was really sick with a cough and cold for a few days.

Throughout all of this, I’ve been dealing with family stress. It’s been obvious for some time that my mom is losing some memory and cognitive ability. She’s always been a very happy, kind person and that’s disappearing too. She jokes it off that she’s getting old so she’s earned the right to be bitchy these days. The problem is it’s gotten progressively worse in a short time. My dad recognizes there’s a problem (sort of). My sister is in complete denial. After talking on the phone to my brother more in October than I did in all of 2010-2014 combined,¬†he finally is admitting it’s a problem, but totally chicken do anything about it. As the oldest, it all seems to get dumped on me. My dad calls to tell me about my mom. My mom calls to bitch about my dad. I live the farthest away (4x farther in fact) and somehow I’m the go to person. This sandwich generation–caring for kids and aging parents simultaneously–sucks. There’s just really no other word for it. Well there are lots of words, but none of them are remotely polite.

All of these external factors caused TN and I to stop putting enough time into our relationship. We’re just a year out of our dead bedroom and the past three weeks have demonstrated just how easy it would be slide back into that. We were having less sex, we weren’t really talking, and because of germs, we¬†were barely¬†even kissing. On top of that, I had a mix up with my depression medication so my brain chemistry was out of whack. When I’m down, it makes it much harder for me to have hard conversations. Well, it’s always hard for me, but when I’m emotionally raw, the last thing I want to do is talk about hard stuff.

One of the things on my October To Do list was to have a hard conversation with TN, but I kept putting it off. After we spent Friday night and most of Saturday alternating between ignoring and sniping at each other, I finally told him we needed to talk when the kids went to bed. I wish I could say it went well. The end result was good, but there were a lot of tears, accusations, defensiveness and more tears before we got there. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and telling him I was feeling neglected is the ultimate in vulnerability for me. I spent my 20s single and independent and not needing anyone, especially a man. Even after being married for 16 years, I still don’t like admitting that I need attention from him. But I did. I bared my soul and told him that I needed more. I needed more sex, but I also needed him. I needed the quiet cuddles while we watch TV in bed before sleep. I needed the laughing and teasing and joking while I’m cooking or working in the garden. I need his help maintaining the house and doing chores. (It’s even hard to write about these needs to a bunch of strangers. Clearly I still have work to do on myself as well.) ¬†When I told him the past couple of weeks had felt like we were back in the dead bedroom days, a lightbulb went off.

Once I had poured my soul out to him and we both committed to getting back on track, I lost it. Huge, heaving sobs wracked through my body while he held me in his arms. Earlier I had been crying hot, angry tears. These tears were something else. In hindsight, I realize they were a cleansing for both of us. My resentment and bitterness from the past month were released in my tears. But it was something bigger. I realize now that I was finally, once and for all, exorcizing the bitterness and the guilt that I had been carrying for a very long time about our lack of intimacy. I feel 10 pounds lighter.

The past 11 months have probably been the happiest of our marriage. There have been ups and downs of course and there will more in our future. But I know that we’ll continue to work to maintain and improve this new, improved us. We still need to discuss and negotiate the differences in our desires, kinks and fantasies, but now we’re working from a strong foundation. I know we’ll figure it out.

Oh yeah. The make up sex has been fan-fucking-tastic too.

On Being Anonymous

I was¬†originally inspired by Kilted Wookie’s excellent post on anonymity. As I wrote and edited, I ended up going in a different direction, but I want to give him props for his thought provoking take on it. The comments are great too, so be sure to check them out as well.


I started reading sex bloggers late last year. Even though my libido was back, TN and I were still having a hard time syncing our sex life. Add in several week-long trips for him and, well, I was spending a lot of nights alone on my computer. I ended up creating a fake Twitter account so I could comment on blogs. Never in a million years did I think I would actually use the Twitter identity, but I was soon following some of my favorite writers. From there it was a quick leap to actually commenting and I amazingly found myself a part of a little community of pervs.

Once I started talking to people, I decided to take the plunge and start this blog. Obviously I’m not a prolific poster. My biggest traffic comes from Sinful Sunday, but as I’ve mentioned, I have a ton of Drafts and, if nothing else, I use the writing as a way to sort out my thoughts even if they never get published.

Between Reddit, Sinful Sunday and Twitter, I’m still amazed that I’ve built some actual friendships with people in a completely anonymous way. Real (first) names, locations and real life stories have all been shared in DM and I don’t hesitate to call them friends. I’ve even exchanged face photos with one of my Reddit friends. We text back and forth every day and I have no doubt we’ll meet someday.

Sometimes, though, being part of such a sex positive community makes it harder to live my real life. It’s¬†so easy to talk about sex, kinks, desires, etc. that it makes it all the more painful to realize I don’t have that with any of my real life friends. Based on the reactions to the little I’ve shared with my girlfriends (and I do mean little), I am by far the kinkiest of the bunch. In fact, some things I’ve mentioned in a vague way or that my “friend” does have been been met with a range of responses from disbelief that anyone even does that to utter disgust to harsh judgments about the kind of people who do those things. Talk about making me feel isolated. Given the recent state of emotional unrest between TN and me, I was feeling even more alone. Thank goodness I have people like Steel Charmer who I leaned on a lot; N in California who always gives great advice and offers a great male perspective; and Rex who never fails to make me smile every single day.

People unfamiliar with this world of pseudonyms and sex bloggers imagine the worst. It’s really too bad they don’t take the time to learn that this is just another community of people where we¬†care about one another, we support and encourage one another and we enjoy each other’s company online. Granted it usually involves less clothing, but hey, I’m not complaining.

October To Do List update

It’s been a little over a week since I posted my October list for some accountability so it’s time for an update. This is possibly the least sexy post I will ever write so feel free to skip right over it.

1. Post at least four times on the blog. At least two of them must be written, not just photo memes.
I am 85% finished on a post so hopefully it will post later today. Tomorrow at the latest. Still 0/4

2. Complete two drafts. Posting is optional.
NOTHING. I haven’t worked on any of the older drafts, but I have added two more. Oops.

3. Schedule date nights every two weeks with TN that allow for time to talk, not just watch a movie.
FAIL. Despite needing it more than ever, I haven’t done anything about this one. His current mood and its effect on me makes me want to spend less time with him, not more. Not proud of that, but it’s the truth.

4. Talk with TN about Big Stuff we’re dealing with. (OK fine. Big Stuff we’re avoiding dealing with. That’s the problem.)
HUGE FAIL. After agonizing over this for most of the week, I realize that I’m resisting this one because I know it’s going end up in a lengthy, emotional discussion fight. I imagine conversations in my head and I can’t seem to find anything to say that won’t end up with him angry and defensive and me sounding like a bitch. I’m also scared that he won’t agree that there’s a problem, which is even worse.

There’s been a fight brewing just beneath the surface between us for over a week. It bubbles out at times and we snipe at each other. We haven’t had the big blow up that we probably need to clear the air. Things haven’t been like this is¬†over a year and I hate that it’s back. For the past 12 months, any time there’s been something brewing, I brought it up and we talked it through. Every.single.time. I get so tired of being the one to initiate these big talks. I know it shouldn’t matter who starts the conversation, but I need to feel like he believes we have a problem too. I can’t take on fixing this all by myself and that’s what it feels like this week. And yes, he knows I feel this way. I could right an entire post about just this issue.

5. Organize the mud room.
This is so far down on the priority list that I don’t even know why I added it here.

6. Finish canning and labeling garden veggies.
Lots of progress! Two kinds¬†of ghost chili sauce made and canned. Herbs dried and labeled in pretty jars. Cute logo created for the labels, because that’s how I roll. Roasting more peppers and tomatoes for salsa today so the house smells amazing.

7. Fall clean up in the gardens.
In progress.¬†I won’t bore anyone with the details, but I’ve been working on it.

NEW GOAL
8. Last Monday I set a goal to work out fives times this week.
I’ve actually worked out six times already and hope to get at least one more in today or tomorrow. I’m really proud of myself for sticking to it even on days I don’t want to.¬†I can feel a difference in my body already. My #fwocrew friends are a great source of motivation and inspiration.

———-

If you stuck to it and read this far, you’re either a glutton for punishment or extremely bored. Pour yourself a drink. You’ve earned one! Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk soon and back to sexier posts.

NDG xx

Drafts

I have 36 posts in my Drafts folder. I usually sit down to write with a topic or prompt in mind. I always start out strong on topic. What inevitably happens as I’m writing is that when I finally hit that point where the words flow uncensored, the topic goes in a totally different direction. I start a new draft¬†and continue with one or the other topic. Sometimes, when my head is really swimming, I’ll end up with four or five partially written posts in one sitting.0

Those drafts never see the light of day. Truly. I have never gone back and finished, polished, edited any of those posts. They sit in my Drafts folder taunting me.

I wish I could say the just the process of writing them down cleared all the jumble in my head, but that’s rarely the case. Because I never finish these posts, the ideas aren’t complete. The thoughts are still swirling. Every time I start a new post, there they are.

Some days, like today, all of these unfinished drafts pile on me and I feel like I’m suffocating under my own inadequacies. Another blog that I stopped writing on. One more project that I dropped in the middle of it. One more thing that I don’t have the guts or the heart or the determination to follow through with.¬†

I’m working on some changes in my life. I’m exercising consistently for the first time since I was diagnosed with a chronic (painful) condition. The support and public accountability of #fwocrew is helping tremendously with my resolve to get up and do something. I’m trying to piggyback that success into other areas of my life. So in an effort to be publicly accountable (to the legions few who read me), here’s my To Do list for the rest of October.

  1. Post at least four times on the blog. At least two of them must be written, not just photo memes.
  2. Complete two drafts. Posting is optional.
  3. Schedule date nights every two weeks with TN that allow for time to talk, not just watch a movie.
  4. Talk with TN about Big Stuff we’re dealing with. (OK fine. Big Stuff we’re avoiding dealing with. That’s the problem.)
  5. Organize the mud room.
  6. Finish canning and labeling garden veggies.
  7. Fall clean up in the gardens.

I’ll post weekly updates on my list so I can see how I’m doing. If you happen to read and notice I haven’t updated, feel free to give me a kick in the ass. I’ll probably need it.

xx
NDG