The Nerd seems to have fallen into another not-very-sexual period and I’m trying to be cool about it and not freak out. I noticed a few days ago that although we’ve been having fantastic sex, I’m the one who has initiated it the past couple of weeks. Every.single.time. His participation has become rote. Spank here, stroke there. Lick here, fuck there. Granted, it’s awesome, I have many orgasms and I don’t think he’s phoning it in. He’s found something that’s working well for both of us so he has no motivation or inclination to change it up too much. I was so busy getting fucked and coming hard that I didn’t even realize it was becoming formulaic until Friday.
Unfortunately, we’ve been down this rabbit hole before. First it’s the repetitive sex. Then it’s him never initiating. Eventually he turns me down when I do initiate. That’s where we’re at now. He casually laughed off all of my not-so-subtle advances over the weekend. He also removed himself from any opportunity by bounding out of bed in the morning or staying up super late.
I can live without shagging for a bit. I’ll masturbate. I’ll flirt on Twitter. I’ll have sexy chats by DM or Kik. But I can’t, I won’t, live without intimacy. We did that for far too long. I need skin-on-skin contact. I need to be kissed deeply. I need naked cuddles at night while we watch TV or talk about our days.
I was the initial reason for our dead bedroom. Pregnancy, exhaustion, postpartum depression and antidepressants were a toxic combo that killed my libido. It led to a feedback loop where we both felt it was entirely the other’s fault. As the months turned into years, we were fantastic roommates, but nothing more. I still loved him and we got along brilliantly except for this one issue. I clawed my way out of that hole eventually and I wholly own the damage I did. We’ve worked through it. He’s accepted my apology. I was finally able to let go of my guilt once and for all about three months ago. That was the last time we were in this rut.
It only takes a short time in this cycle of repetition and lack of intimacy for me be thrown back into the throes of guilt and resentment.
“I denied him for so long, I don’t deserve to be sexually fulfilled now.”
“He knows what it feels like to be rejected. Why is he doing this to me?”
“He pushed and begged for sex for so long and now that I throw myself at him, he refuses me? Fuck that.”
In some twisted version of use-it-or-lose-it, I get really anxious that I’m going to lose my libido again. I don’t want to turn into that person who always says no. I don’t want to be his roommate. I want him to be as concerned with nurturing our sexual relationship as I am. I want him to want me as desperately as I want him. Maybe it’s very early menopause. Maybe it’s making up for lost time. Either way, I’m damned near insatiable. I’d be doing it twice a day if I had my way. He’d do it twice a week. We average two or three times a week, which works for both of us because we still have the other intimacy. The problem is when he’s in this rut, I don’t get laid and I don’t get cuddled. That freaks me out. I get anxious about it. I get stabby. I feel vulnerable.
I guess the plus side is I know what’s happening this time. I know that he doesn’t blame me and this is a phase. I know we’ll get through it with time and talking about it. In the mean time, I’ll be shopping for a new vibrator to add a little variety to my solo sessions. Any suggestions?